Please, Please Forgive Me
by vellaky
Summary: [AU One Shot] 'He caught me at the worst time. He caught me writing HIS goodbye letter.' My first try at a oneshot so be gentle. Critcism and comments are always welcome


**Best episode ever and the only things of it that i ownare Phoebe's thoughts andthe ending! So don't rub it in, coz i will get cranky and blow you all to pieces... Oh right... That's PIPER'S power not mine... Oh yeah, i'm not even a witch!**

**Anyways, i hope you enjoy the fic it's my first try at a Oneshot...**

**The 'poem' at the end is a song by Evanescence called 'Missing'... I though it meshed well with the fic...**

**RR&E (read, review and enjoy)**

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_I didn't think it would come down to this. My sisters or my husband and my unborn son. In my wildest dreams, I could have never pictured this moment. If you'd have asked me a year ago where Cole and I stood, I would have scoffed and told you that that I'd have killed him in a heartbeat. Yet here I am. About to make the biggest decision of my life. Far bigger than when I took Cole's hand at the coronation. He walked in and caught me at the worst time – he caught me writing HIS goodbye letter. "What's this?" he asks, picking up the envelope. "Are you planning to leave me?"_

_I swallow hard and look up at him. There is a definite power play here, for he is standing over me and looking down at me, as I look up at him. "I wrote two letters. One saying goodbye to you and one saying goodbye to my sisters," I pause and search his face for any humanity that could possibly be residing within him. No such luck. "I haven't decided which one I am going to send yet."_

"_Well you better decide, right now." Cole was tired of playing games, I could sense it. I decided to play on it some more, hoping that by doing so, it will make my decision easier. In the pit of my stomach I know who I am going to choose, but it hasn't come up to the fully functioning part of my brain yet to make it clearer for me._

"_Did you know about the Seer's tonic?" I ask._

"_Yes," he answers without a moment's hesitation._

"_So you knew she was poisoning me with evil?" I still cannot believe I am having this conversation – with my husband of all people. My husband. You marry someone because you think they will protect you forever, not side against you, then side with you, then against you; our marriage is a constant game! I see that now, but, still, I cannot fight my feelings for this man. My feelings of love for him._

_Cole sighed and began walking around me – almost taunting me. "You took my hand and walked me though the coronation long before anyone gave you anything to drink. So if you want to pretend you're being poisoned…"_

"_So why even bother with the tonic!" I yell. "Why not just let me think for myself?"_

"_Because I know what it feels like to have good and evil fighting inside of you, ripping your insides out. I wanted to spare you that pain." He sounds as though he cares… he cares… for himself and the Underworld. I'm just his pawn. I know this now._

"_You should've trusted me to stand by you all on my own."_

"_So show me I can. You know what's in the tonic now, you know how it works. Drink it. All on your own."_

_Bastard. Condescending bastard. I stand up so I am on his level. "Cole."_

"_I don't have time for games Phoebe! Just drink the tonic, or leave now," he says to me in a voice that is barely recognizable to me anymore._

"_What is going on with you? What happened?" Somehow I already know the answer to that one._

"_What happened is you had to go play demon catcher with your sisters!"_

"_Cole, it's who I am!" I scream at him. My body shakes from all I have been through in the last twenty-four hours._

_Cole perks up at the sound of my voice. As though I have challenged him in some way. "And now we're in danger – serious danger. If you don't care about your life, or mine, or the baby's, what about Paige or Piper?"_

_Low blow. "Don't you threaten them," I say through gritted teeth. My voice is firm. Although I chose to stand by Cole, I never stopped loving my sisters – no matter how much they hated me._

_A smile played on Cole's lips. "I'm not. But if there's a coup, do you think whoever takes from me will let them live? Without the power of three they're sitting ducks."_

_I take a breath and think about that one. "I don't know what to do."_

"_You can't go back," he explains simply as he picks up the untouched tonic. "There IS only one choice… Drink – the – tonic." He shoves the cup in my direction. "You have to know that I would never do anything to hurt you. Please. For us. For our son," he pleads._

_Our son. OUR son. The son once conceived in love. The reason I stood by him at the coronation. The reason why I am still in this godforsaken marriage. I take the tonic and, in one quick motion, swallow it whole, scrunching my face up at how foul it tastes. He then takes me into his arms, as though I have just saved 'us' from the brink divorce – like that is the only thing threatening us. I lean into his hug shaking my head slowly. _

"_I love you Phoebe. Just remember that whatever happens next, we can handle it, as long as we're together."_

_I pull away from him at his words. There is more to it. I look him in the eye. "What you mean… whatever happens next?"_

"_The Conroy thing got serious." He says it with no tone in his voice. No remorse._

"_You killed him?"_

"_It was your mess I was just…" He paused. He is searching his peanut sized brain for words that won't 'hurt'. As if he could hurt me any more anyway. "Cleaning it up."_

"_Cole, they're gonna come after you. They're gonna come HERE!"_

"_Well if they do…" I can't believe he even though about suggesting it._

"_No." I start to leave the room. Headed for the bathroom, I can feel the tonic rising in my throat._

"_Phoebe, if it comes down to them or us…" Again with the suggestion._

"_Oh God." I make a run for the bathroom and vomit up the tonic. If I thought the tonic tasted horrible, bile doesn't taste that much better._

_Knocks sound from the other side of the bathroom door. "Phoebe?" I hear my name being called by HIM – the man I loved; oh how hard it is to love him anymore – but no matter how hard it is to FEEL it, I KNOW it is inside me; deep within my bones._

_What was that sound? I could have sworn I heard a jingle-like sound. The knocking on the bathroom door all of a sudden stops. I hear voices – my sisters. They're here – I was right. I know Cole knows I am right too – he is the one facing them after all. I can barely make out words, only sounds. Something is buzzing now._

"_Phoebe, get out here and help us damn it!" My big sister yells at me. I barely have time to process it before I hear a big thud hits the floor followed by something little, but hard, dropping to the floor – crystal? I want to run out and see what on earth is going on, but coming out of the bathroom brings me a step closer to choosing a side – my sisters or my husband. God how I don't want to choose._

_From the outside I hear my husband utter five words that I wish I hadn't heard. "Don't make me kill you."_

"_Phoebe you heard what he said, his gonna kill us, help us!" Piper yells at me again, knowing I am somewhere in the house._

_What do I do? Oh god, help me, me help me. My hand goes to the doorknob and I look to the ceiling and speak to a higher power. "Forgive me." I walk out of the bathroom and see Cole in the centre of three crystals, the fourth right at my feet. I scoop it up and see that Cole now has a fireball, aiming it and ready throw it at one my sisters. My sisters, oh god how much I love you. Cole sees me. He plants a tired yet apologetic look on his face._

"_I'm sorry," he whispers. "It's for the best."_

_I nod. I have made my final decision. It is going to kill me, but I made my choice. I hope I don't regret it. "I know it is." I walk over to him and kiss him as passionately as I can; he kisses back with everything he has – I haven't felt that in a long time. I know now that my decision is right._

"_Phoebe?" Piper questions my motives, worry evident in her tone._

_I find it hard to pull away from this lingering kiss, but I do and I look him square in the eyes as tears fall down my cheeks. "I'm sorry too." I put the crystal in its place, it is now activated, and I step back to my loving, FORGIVING sisters._

"_Phoebe, no. No!" He pleads. Please baby, don't go out this way._

"_I'm sorry baby. I'm so sorry." I speak from my heart, for I truly am sorry, but I have to do what is right. I have made so many wrong choices in the past, I cannot afford to make another wrong one. I join hands with my sisters as Piper starts the spell._

"_Prudence, Penelope, Patricia."_

_Oh God, Prue… Prue, I am SO sorry, so, so sorry._

"_No!" Cole screams, interrupting my train of apologies just in time for me to see him kick a crystal out of the way before the bottom half of himself caught on fire. The others don't notice this. What is he doing? Is that… Oh my God. He is actually crazy enough to do this both ways. He hurls a fireball at Piper before she even has time to freeze it or duck out of the way; and right before my eyes, just like that, she is gone. Her heart-wrenching screams echoing in my ears._

"_No!" Paige and Leo scream, along with myself. You bastard, you evil bastard!_

"_Keep chanting!" Paige screams through her tears._

"_Astrid, Helen, Laura and Grace," I continue as tears gushing down my face._

"_Halliwell witches stand strong beside us," Paige continued, before meeting her demise by a fireball._

"_Paige!" I screech. You spiteful, evil, hate-filled man. Oh how I will enjoy sending you to Hell!_

"_Finish it!" Leo yelled._

"_Vanquish this evil from time and space!" I say it with such force, such hate. He lets out one final, painful scream before disappearing in flames. I hope he suffers. I hope he suffers for an eternity and then some._

"_Leo, do something!" I plead, crying hysterically. I can't stop myself, these tears are beyond my control. My sisters, my dear, sweet sisters. I am so sorry. SO sorry!_

"_Like what!" He cries. "I can't do anything!"_

_Before I can provide him with an answer I am pulled, against my will back down into the Underworld I am greeted by the Seer._

"_You stay the fuck away from me. If there's anyone I hate MORE than the Source, it is YOU!" I spit. She laughs. As if I am joking with her, she laughs. As if I am a friend, SHE LAUGHS!_

"_You have but one choice ahead of you. Bring your sisters back to life and remain here forever in torture, or bring your husband back… and remain here… in torture," she smiled that evil smile. That evil smile that used to be mine. That evil smile that I used to share with her._

_It doesn't matter that I can barely speak through my tears. I don't need a millisecond to know what my answer is going to be. I hiccup my answer. "My sisters! Bring back my sisters! PLEASE!"_

_The Seer closes her eyes for what feels like an eternity. When she opens them, she looks directly at me. "It is done."_

_I am at peace – not a lot, only tiny, I can barely feel it, but the point is I can feel it. "Prove it," I challenge._

_The Seer waved her hand against a wall and I can see Piper on her bed in the fetal position in uncontrollable, inconsolable tears. Paige then shuffles into her room and lies behind her, also in tears. My paigey-girl. My family. I let them down… in the worst possible way. Oh how I let them down. There is no justification for this, none. _

_The seer waves her arm over the image and the image is gone. She is flaunting her smile. That EVIL smile. I feel around my back pocket and feel envelopes. THE envelopes. Knowing which is which, I pull out the letter to my sisters, and just as the Seer tries to banish me to my prison, I throw the envelope into the air and watch it disappear. I run toward the Seer with everything I have and kick her hard in the face, rendering her unconscious. I take the dagger on the sacrificial table and without hesitation cut open my wrists. I fall to the floor and watch as everything fades to black. My last thoughts are begging for forgiveness to anyone listening and hoping that my sisters get my letter. Nothing special written on it – another regret I cannot change. My letter begging for forgiveness and nothing more._

**Please, please forgive me, but I won't be home again. Maybe someday you'll look up and barely conscious, you'll say to no one isn't something missing?**

**You won't cry for my absence, I know. You forgot me long ago. Am I that unimportant? Am I so insignificant? Isn't something missing? Isn't someone missing me?**

**Even though I'm the sacrifice, you won't try for me, not now. Though I'd die to know you love me. I'm all alone. Isn't someone missing me?**

**Please, please forgive me, but I won't be home again. I know what you do to yourself. I breathe deep and cry out. Isn't something missing? Isn't someone missing me?**

**Even though I'm the sacrifice, you won't try for me, not now. Though I'd die to know you love me. I'm all alone. Isn't someone missing me?**

**And if I bleed, I'll bleed knowing you don't care. And if I sleep just to dream of you, I'll wake without you there. Isn't something missing? Isn't something…**

**Even though I'm the sacrifice, you won't try for me, not now. Though I'd die to know you love me. I'm all alone. Isn't something missing? Isn't someone missing me?**


End file.
